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The 12 days of Christmas — the air cold and crisper, the world just a little nicer and the one day of peace and love throughout the world is fast approaching.

Life feels like a Dickens novel come to life… for giod no one over the age of.

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yoy We spend most of our years on Earth chasing a feeling, or holiday spirit, from our youth that will never return. People feel differently about the majesty of Christmas, and it all depends on their age. To young kids, Christmas feels like a second birthday except the gifts are doubled, there is no blowing out of birthday candles or parties with ponies taking dumps in the backyard.

The age when anything — any gift, magical event, or wish is possible thanks to a fat man living up north in a house full of midgets making toys identical to major manufacturers yet no one seems to mind. The holiday also includes the greatest gift of all — a week off from school and the constant torture of teachers, bullies and the inability to take a dump for eight hours a day because no one shits at school under any circumstances.

You had an idea a few years earlier, but now all signs point to your parents shoveling you bullshit for the first decade of your life. What else have they been lying about? Oh just tooth fairies, bunnies delivering chocolate and your uncle suciing stopped coming by the house a few Thanksgivings ago.

Designer clothes, expensive kicks, flashy tech gear and maybe even a car if your old man is willing to finally give up his beater of a ride, buy something built in the gjfts, and fork over the keys.

You also loathe yourself for getting so excited over a Christmas gift basket filled with stuff you need at college.

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You just kissed your parents for the thoughtful gift of bulk toilet paper and rolls of quarters to do laundry. So sad.

And seriously, what the fuck is a compact disc? As you frantically search each store hoping for a miracle does Home Depot carry toys? Hopefully, the arresting officer will go lightly on your situation after you punch a nun buying a cart full of fairy dolls for a foster home.

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The toys turn into gadgets and the holiday morphs into an event exorbitantly more expensive than ever. Seriously, functioning fucking morons.

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There are also grandchildren. Many of your friends are dead, all your kids are gone during the holiday, visiting giffts grandkids or just refusing to spend time with a miserable old bastard.

The 12 Ages of Christmas: Why The Holidays Suck The Older You Get

Bigger bullshit that Old Saint Nick. Where is your wife? Also, you spend at least five minutes a day thinking about your own death. It will kill the mood of any retirement community holiday pizza party.

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You call this shit Christmas?!? We used to…….

Here's what coworkers think when you suck up to your boss

Chris Illuminati is a father of two and a recovering asshole. He discusses both on his popular Instagram account, messagewithabottle.

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